CM Punk comes out to start the show. He is supposed to face Daniel Bryan. Chris Jericho’s music hits instead. Jericho comes out looking very determined and walks down the aisle quickly. He says that CM Punk is a great performer, one of his favorites, but isn’t as good as he is. Jericho says that he never had to call himself the best in the world. He says that the people did that for him. He says he is a dieing breed of guys who made a name for themselves before coming to the WWE. He says these people didn’t care about politics, took what was theirs, and stole the show each night. Jericho says that Punk is this way now, but that is only because Punk is a Chris Jericho wannabe.
Punk cuts him off and says that everyone is sick of listening. Punk says that everyone knows how good Jericho is, but he has a problem with Jericho saying that he’s stolen anything from them. Punk says that Jericho didn’t invent saying he was the best. He brings up “the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be” Bret Hart. He asks Jericho if he invented that saying when he was two years old. He also asks if Jericho invented Canada. Jericho goes on to put himself over and talk about his feuds and matches from the past. He says he is the best in the world at everything he does. Punk says that Jericho was never “the man” in the industry like he is right now. That seemed to anger Jericho a little bit.
This is starting to get intense. Punk says he’s on top swimming with sharks while Jericho is dancing with stars. This promo is great. Jericho says that while he was away on game shows all he thought about was Punk ripping him off. Punk says that he doesn’t need Chris Brown, that Jericho doesn’t need Mickey Rourke, that neither of them need fancy pyro, and that Jericho doesn’t need his “fancy lite brite jacket.” All they need is a ring to have the greatest “wrestling” match in Wrestlemania history. Daniel Bryan’s music hits. He comes to the ring with AJ, John Laurinaitis, and David Otunga. Wow what a great promo. This is what we’ve all been waiting for all along. Excellent mic skills by both guys. Punk and Jericho are both the complete package. I love them both, but neither is the best in the world. That honor goes to……….yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes!!! World Heavyweight Champion!!!!!! Trending on Twitter is Chris Jericho.
WWE Champion CM Punk vs. World Heavyweight Champion Daniel Bryan w/ AJ- Daniel Bryan jumps Punk from behind. Punk takes over with punches and throws Bryan to the outside. The match hasn’t started yet. Commercial. When we come back the match has finally started. Daniel Bryan is kicking Punk in the corner. Punk comes back with chops. High elbow by Punk out of the corner, followed by a cross body off the top by Bryan. They cut away to the commentary table full of Laurinaitis, Otunga, Teddy Long, and Santino Marella. I’m pretty angry that all these idiots are distracting away from Punk and Bryan. They finally show the ring again as Bryan is dropping knees across Punk’s face. They continue to cut away so much that I’m having a hard time following any sort of match psychology. Are you kidding me WWE??????? Punk throws Bryan to the outside. Punk wants to attempt a dive to the outside but AJ gets in front of Bryan. Punk walks to the outside but he’s thrown into the ring steps by Bryan. Another commercial break. This match has been ruined. Awful cutaway shots and too many commercials. I’m pissed. Seriously, what are they thinking? Why would they do this? Not one single person in their viewing audience cares about the stupid Laurinaitis vs. Long storyline while the two best wrestlers in the world are in the ring. Keep the focus on wrestling. What is this? TNA Impact Wrestling? Where the focus is not on wrestling.
Finally back from commercial. They show a Daniel Bryan superplex that happened during the break. Punk is in an abdominal stretch. They cut away again. When they cut back both guys are on the mat. I don’t know what happened. I’m not sure which body parts have been targeted or affected either. I’m not sure of the psychology of the match. Do they realize how much of it they kill by not showing all the action? Bryan misses a kick and is slammed. Punk off the top rope with the Macho Man Flying Elbow. Punk can’t make the cover because he’s selling his abdomen. Not sure why. They didn’t show the psychology. Otunga jumps up on the apron, but is knocked off by Punk. Bryan goes for the Labelle Lock but misses. Otunga gets back up on the apron but he’s hit with a Cobra by Santino Marella. Laurinaitis jumps up and pulls Santino down. Long and Laurinaitis argue. Daniel Bryan tries to leave but Sheamus comes down the ramp and throws him back into the ring. CM Punk hits Go To Sleep. Laurinaitis runs into the ring and throws the match out. Teddy Long comes in the ring and pushes Laurinaitis down. CM Punk walks up the ramp but is attacked from behind by Jericho. Jericho slams him on the steel ramp. He applies the Walls of Jericho then poses with the WWE Championship. Teddy Long is trending on Twitter.
What just happened? The potential best Raw match of all time was just ruined by a cluster full of guys. They just used the recent Punk vs. Bryan success and tried to spin 3 different storylines out of it. That’s not cool. That match needs no other promotion other than what it is. It needs to be it’s own entity. Way to really drop the ball WWE.
Josh Matthews is in the back. He gives a pointless update from outside Punk’s locker room. He says he’s not injured, but he’s angry. I hope he’s angry at the way he was booked tonight.
Undertaker/Triple H hype video. It’s a recap of last year’s match. It’s very long and a huge waste of time. Other than the opening promo Raw has been a huge waste of potential tonight. Triple H and “Taker” are trending on Twitter.
Kelly Kelly vs. Nikki Bella- That’s the best way to come back from the ruined opener right? That sounds like something that they would do. So apparently Kelly is running her mouth to Eve Torres on Twitter. And we are supposed to care. Nikki is slammed. She comes back with mounted punches. Kelly trips her in the corner. Flying scissors by Kelly. Running bulldog. She dropkicks Brie off the apron. Nikki rolls her up but Kelly counters with a bridging pin for the win. So it looks like they are going to start pushing Kelly Kelly again. Wonderful! That means plenty of hair weaves, botched spots, bad acting, and two minute matches. This Raw is not good. I’m about to watch the Daytona 500. Just joking. Nothing on this earth could make me resort to watching Nascar.
John Cena vs. The Miz- So last year’s Wrestlemania main event is tonight and I don’t recall them even hyping it. The Miz has a microphone. He says he’s worked too hard to be treated like this. I agree. He says nobody has worked harder than him over the last year. He says he’s the guy that the WWE calls on for all media appearances. Yet his name has yet to be called upon for Wrestlemania. He says he’s going to prove that he is Wrestlemania by beating the guy that he beat in the main event last year. So when The Miz loses he is buried forever. Tie up to start. Cena takes control. Multiple leap frogs followed by a Cena hip toss. Miz is Irish whipped into the corner then suplexed. High knee to the face by Cena and a back elbow to the face. He attempts the Attitude Adjustment but its countered into a reverse DDT. Miz chokes Cena against the ropes but Cena takes over with a toss. Hard clothesline by Cena. Miz counters another suplex with his DDT from the knees. Miz slows down the pace to be more methodical. That’s old school Miz. He uses the running clothesline through the ropes. Miz misses off the top, is hit with multiple shoulder tackles, reverse suplex, and the 5 Knuckle Shuffle. Attitude Adjustment from Cena. STF and Miz taps out. Cena wins. The Miz dies. He is now buried in too big of a hole to ever have a future with the company.
As Cena celebrates we see The Rock jumping up and down in the back. He looks at the camera and does the “You can’t see me” pose. Cena smiles. Then they waste time showing Cena exit the ring and walk up the ramp. Why didn’t they cut to commercial after The Rock was on the big screen?
Tag Team Championship Triple Threat Match: Epico and Primo w/ Rosa Mendes (c) vs. R-Truth and Kofi Kingston vs. United States Champion Jack Swagger and Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero- Battle of the races? Just saying. This is like the Nation of Domination vs. Los Boricuas vs. DOA. Yes I made a pre Attitude Era reference. I know that nobody was watching wrestling then. Three guys will be in the ring at all times. Kofi and Epico and Ziggler start the match. They bounce off the ropes before Kofi hits a dropkick. He sends Ziggler flying with a monkey flip. Another monkey flip on Epico. Tag to R-Truth. He does the split and spinning drop kick. Swagger comes in and hits a clothesline. Then they all knock each other out of the ring for the commercial spot.
Back from break Swagger is choking Truth on the ropes. Primo comes in to help. He and Swagger start to push each other. It doesn’t result in anything. Drop kick by Ziggler but Primo takes his cover. They argue. Neck breaker by R-Truth. Both heels are tagged in but Truth can’t make the hot tag. Epico and Swagger begin to punch each other as Kingston gets tagged. Kofi comes in with drop kicks. Flying cross body off the top rope on Swagger. Kofi slams Epico on top of Swagger. Double Boom Drop by Kofi. Rosa Mendes, and Primo and Epico are all trending on Twitter. Ziggler gets involved to give Swagger control. Swagger uses an Ankle Lock on Epico, Kofi hits Trouble In Paradise on Swagger, Primo hits a Back Stabber on Swagger, and Epico gets the win. Epico and Primo are still tag champions.
Pyro explodes and Kane is standing at the top of the ramp. Kane comes down the ramp and takes out everyone in the ring with chokeslams. Old school Kane. For many many many many years I’ve been saying that Kane needed to start coming out in random matches and take out everyone in the ring like he used to do. But it’s been way too many years for me to actually get behind it now. I guess it was kinda cool. I hope they continue it, but I doubt they will. Even if they do it’s hard for me to believe that Kane is an unstoppable force after Cena buried him at the Elimination Chamber PPV. When he did this stuff in 1997 he was believable because he was brand new and undefeated. Nice try to pull off a cool idea WWE, but it’s not going to work that way. You already ruined the masked Kane with the Cena storyline….sorry.
John Laurinaitis and David Otunga are in the back. They are talking about how bad the movie “The Artist” is. Teddy Long comes into his office and they yell at him to get out. Laurinaitis tells him that he has been fired as Smackdown GM. Teddy Long calls him “a horse’s ass.” Nothing Teddy Long says is funny. But this is funny….the crowd chants “horse’s ass.” Does anyone care about the Teddy Long being fired storyline? Not me.
Zack Ryder and Eve Torres Recap video. Waaaaayyyyy too many recap videos tonight. They show the clip of Eve and her awful acting with that over dramatic non-creepy/creepy laugh. The special effects were pretty funny though. They pushed into Eve’s face and did the record stop sound when she said “I was just using Zack Ryder.” Pretty funny. It was made to look much more dramatic than it actually was.
Eve Torres comes to the ring. Jerry Lawler says its a walk of shame for her to come out there. The crowd chants hoeski. She says that there isn’t a man in the world who wouldn’t want to be used by her. She puts herself over and talks about how men can’t resist her. Men should blame themselves for their weaknesses. She blows a kiss and walks away. Very weak promo. No charisma whatsoever. Michael Cole asks Jerry Lawler if he could resist Eve. He awkwardly says no.
Eve Torres is walking in the back. Kelly Kelly comes up to her and asks why she ignores her now. Eve does that same over dramatic non-creepy/creepy laugh. Alicia Fox walks up beside her and they both glare at Eve as she walks away. eoanffvrafefafovnraerg how do I even respond to that? Which is more terrible? Eve Torres’ charisma, this year’s Daytona 500, or the trailer to Edge’s new movie? Why did #hoeski not trend on Twitter tonight? Did everyone turn Raw off by now? Kelly Kelly and Alicia Fox are trending on Twitter.
Michale Cole and Jerry Lawler talk about the Raw GM Rumors. This one is easy to see. Spoiler alert. Teddy Long will run Raw and John Laurinaitis will run Smackdown next week to progress their storyline. Sorry. Who really cares? There is a big WWE Board of Directors Announcement on WWE.com tomorrow. What I just said will be exactly what it is.
Sheamus and Big Show vs. Mark Henry and Intercontinental Champion Cody Rhodes- I thought Smackdown has been incredibly weak the last few weeks. But as weak as it has been it’s still good enough to main event Raw tonight. Cody Rhodes grabs the mic to show another “Cody Rhodes Presents: Another Embarrassing Big Show Wrestlemania Moment.” If you missed it on Smackdown, Cody started this new video thing showing Big Show losing at Wrestlemania. It’s all leading up to Rhodes vs. Big Show at this year’s Wrestlemania. For some reason WWE doesn’t want to book Big Show vs. Shaq, nor Chody Rhodes vs. Goldust. So they will ruin those two marquee matches with a terrible Big Show vs. Cody Rhodes match. On Smackdown he showed Akebono embarrassing Big Show at Wrestlemania 21. Tonight he shows Floyd Mayweather beating Big Show at Wrestlemania. I like this idea a lot. It’s funny.
Big Show and Rhodes start the match. Rhodes cowers and runs to the outside after tagging Henry. Big Show punches away at Henry and hits a weak spear. I politely asked The Big Show to not add that to his arsenal because it’s not good. Rhodes runs up the ramp. Big Show yells at him. Sheamus tags himself in and hits a Brogue Kick on Mark Henry for the win. Another 2 minute match. Awful. Just awful. Big Show is trending on Twitter.
A promo runs showing that Shawn Michaels will be on Raw next week.
The Rock comes to the ring. Huge pop from the crowd. He poses for like 10 minutes. Something like that. Very hot crowd. He shows the goose bumps on his arm. The crowd chants “Boots to asses.” Rock says that he’s not here every week. He was born and created in the WWE. He says if it weren’t for the WWE he would never exist. He said when he came back and said he would never leave, he meant it. He says that didn’t mean that he could make it every single week. So what he’s saying is that he didn’t really mean it? The crowd chants “Fruity Pebbles.” Rock says he loves that chant. He says Cena is a phony. He says the guy that went to prep schools became the “Doctor of Thuganomics.” He makes fun of Cena being from the hood. Rock says he doesn’t want to talk to Cena. He said he saw him in catering and didn’t talk to him. He would rather slap his face with a piece of Kung-Poa Chicken. He say’s Cena isn’t a phony but he is a “Kung-Pao Bitch.” The crowd chants “Kung-Pao Bitch.” I didn’t find that too funny. Fruity Pebbles was funny, but not Kung-Pao.
The Rock says that when he was a baby face and was booed by the crowd that Stone Cold didn’t fight for him. He says nobody fought for Triple H, Macho Man, or Roddy Piper. He says Cena doesn’t need to fight for the wrestlers in the back like he claimed he was last week. Rock says that he fights for the people. #Bootstoasses and #KungPow (spelled wrong) are both trending on Twitter. #Bootstoasses is the #1 Trend in the world. The Rock goes on to talk about how everything he says becomes huge. He said Fruity Pebbles to Cena and he ended up on a Fruity Pebbles box. By this point everyone seems to notice how The Rock is reading notes off his wrist. I don’t even know how to comment on that one either. The Rock makes the crowd chant things in unison. He says that Cena changed his jean shorts to camouflage shorts. Then he says Cena has missing balls. The crowd chants missing balls. This is getting repetitive to me. Finally John Cena’s music hits.
He comes out to say everything The Rock says is genius. He makes fun of the Kung Pao thing. He asks what The Rock calls his penis nowadays. Cena says he loved The Rock until he met Dwayne Johnson. He says Dwayne is a self centered, see through, son of a bitch, that wouldn’t care if the company closed its doors tomorrow. CENA SAYS HE DON’T NEED THE NOTES FOR HIS PROMO ON HIS WRIST. LINE OF THE NIGHT. He says he will beat the hell out of The Rock at Wrestlemania. He tells The Rock to continue trending and leaves. The Rock is legitimately pacing back and forth. He’s angry. He rambles angrily. I’ve never really seen him like that before. He responds with catch phrases. He will kick Cena’s candy ass at Wrestlemania….If you smell what The Rock is cookin.
The link I got this from: http://baltimoresportsreport.com/wwe-raw-results-227-25435.html has some interesting points.
Cena's promo did not looked planned. Everything happened so late that even the Rock was like what the hell? I think it was because that Rock was talking for so long that Vince decided to put Cena in there. They kinda mumbled some of their lines so it seems like an actual legitimate segment instead of one that's completely scripted. The beginning was also good, except John and Long... ugh nevermind.
I liked it, not as much as the other two though.